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Born in New Zealand, the illegitimate result of a chance liaison between a ventriloquist tap dancer with a hair lip (my father) and a blind traffic cop with one arm (my mother). My fathers’ surname was Cumin and mothers’ name was Gowan, consequently I never knew whether I was Cumin or Gowan.

Fortunately I was orphaned out at birth, which apparently was a difficult one for my mother and I was subsequently delivered by caesarean, which hasn’t really affected me throughout my life except, whenever I leave the house, I do go out the window.

I was adopted by a very nice family who were always happy and on holidays, which is why we lived in a caravan park. I was the youngest of 14 children with the oldest being 38. They were great times for me with plenty of other kids to play with all the time and there practically wasn’t a month pass by without at least one of my sisters’ being pregnant. I had 23 nieces and nephews older than me and 12 that were younger!

We lived in a small North Island coastal town called Warethefarcowie, population, 25. I went to school in the rugby town of Kamatekamate that was only a 90 minute walk along the Auckland to Wellington express railway line. Being small for my age I wasn’t any good at rugby so joined the gardening club. Due to a horrible accident, after hours, that wasn’t really my fault, where apparently it’s not safe to store fertiliser and diesel fuel in near the incinerator, I was expelled and had to start grade 1 again in a new school, in a new town, in Australia.